I am describing my client’s experience because it demonstrates a loving approach to herself rather than an approach that says “what’s wrong with me, why can’t I relax my eyes!”.
The book: “Talking back to Dr. Phil” by David Bedrick, which I want to bring to your attention, is a very well written and easy to read analysis of how mainstream psychology, which is rooted in allopathic medicine, seeks to do away with or suppress symptoms, rather than exploring their underlying meaning. This latter approach can lead to greater self knowledge, self and psychological awareness.
Bedrick uses episodes of the Dr. Phil show to illustrate how mainstream psychology, in essence, shames people instead of helping them; Bedrick then proceeds to show how a love based psychological approach could have helped the person and educated the audience. A “love- based psychology views people and their difficulties through a lens of love. Like a naturalist, who assumes that nature reflects order, intelligence, and beauty, those with the perspective of a love- based psychology assess people’s feelings and behaviors with respect, compassion, and radical belief rather than judgment. Respect, as the word implies, is the willingness to look (thus the root “spect”) and then look again (thus the prefix “re”). Respect entails a careful and caring examination of people’s experiences, precluding a rush to diagnosis, awakening curiosity about what is observed and how it might reflect their deeper needs and potential for transformation. Compassion guides this loving examination, resulting in appreciation for people’s experiences and an inclination to resist judging, stereotyping, and marginalizing what might be deemed disagreeable. Radical belief is the faith that even our greatest difficulties and most disturbing behaviors are meaningful and informed by intelligence - and thus contain the seeds of important future developments.” (Bedrick, p.xix)
Here is one example of how Bedrick illustrates this compassionate pathway towards one’s difficulties. A woman on the Dr. Phil show was unhappy about her own judgmental approach towards bikers and tatoos. Dr.Phil arranged for the woman to spend a day with a “friend” of his, a man with long hair and tatoos who drove a Harley-Davidson. The meeting of the two of them had the desired effect, and on the next show it was apparent that the woman was, to some degree, relieved of her prejudice and feeling more generous-spirited. However, the deeper meaning of her judgmentalism was never explored. The targets of our judgments usually represent aspects of ourselves that we are unaware of. Denying these aspects in ourselves makes it easier to see them in others. Only focusing on the habit of being judgmental fails to explore the deeper meaning of this woman’s projection. Instead, helping her to claim “the biker woman” in herself would have empowered her moral and spiritual development.
If you’ve had it with the “something must be wrong with me” approach, or have felt intensely uncomfortable when watching even just a glimpse of a Dr. Phil show, then you will want to read this book! Bedrick’s etymological explanation of respect, to look again, is in itself a gesture of love. Bringing out this deep respect will give psychology a much needed face lift.
~Claudia
Yes I too recently ran into a need to explore a deeper meaning behind the way I may have judged someone without even realizing it; part of my own defense mechanism or deflection for a prejudice that I was only partially aware of. And I owe him an apology.
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